Delayed Reaction

The funny thing about me is (well, I guess its not funny per se…it just is) that I have very delayed reactions. Remember when I miscarried earlier this year? Yeah, me too. Remember how I put up this brave, brave, front telling everyone how fine and OK with everything I was? Remember how I moved on and never looked back? Remember how I only allowed myself to cry about it twice, and only briefly at that? No, oh yeah I never told you guys that….well I did….only allow myself that is. Remember how I listed all my reasons why it was a good thing in this post?

I've been remembering a lot lately. Sometimes when I remember that I've lost two babies, I feel completely overwhelmed. C-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y overwhelmed. I have to sit down and allow the air to return to my lungs. When I lost Emma (the first one), my world broke apart. I lost some part of me that I will never get back. Maybe it was my youth, my optimism, my naivete….I don't know, but its gone. It took me about 2 years to get past that. It was really difficult for me. This second baby (who was never named as a result of us knowing we would most likely miscarry) was not as difficult. Partly because I've been down that road, partly because I expected it, and mostly because of Gabe. Unfortunately, I'm a late griever. It seems like it has been hitting me more and more this past month or so. It kinda caught me off guard. Yesterday, I went back and was reading some old posts and all the sudden, I just felt so very sad about it all.

When I was reading the old posts, I ran across my four reasons why the miscarriage could be viewed as a good thing. Do you know, that not a single point on there applies today? Do you know that they would have resolved themselves in time? Let's revisit shall we:

Statement 1: I'm in no way ready for another, Gabe is a lot to handle as it is.

Yes he is. But guess what? If we had the money right now we would be on the adoption track. We have laid out a very comprehensive financial plan in an attempt to start ASAP for #2. The waiting to start alone is killing me. Guess what else? Babies grow up to be toddlers and little boys. Gabe has changed A LOT since May and will change even more by December (my due date). We could have managed just fine.

Statement 2: We cannot afford to have another baby.

Hmmmm……you know, if we think we can come up with the adoption money in the next few years, we probably could have found a way to make it work. In fact, it will be harder to come up with the adoption money, than it would have been to have another child in the house.

Statement 3: Its nice to have my body back, I don't really enjoy being pregnant.

OK, well this is true. However, what is 9 months in the grand scheme of things. A drop in the bucket really.

Statement 4: It will be nice to have an angst free summer.

It wasn't all that angst free to be honest….just different things to be anxious about. Not to mention, summer is over.

So there it is. It doesn't really matter anyway, its not like it can be undone. I just wanted to get this out there in hopes that maybe I will feel better about it.

I don't really. So…..ummmm…….well………Is anyone excited about the new season of Grey's Anatomy starting today?

Comments

[Karen]

I'm sorry that the mc is creeping back up on you. I lost my twins 3.5 years ago and I still have fits of pain over it at times. I wonder if it ever really goes away?

And as for Grey's Anatomy - YES!!!! I can't wait!

[Nan]

I too am sorry for your pain. Sometimes the loss of Rowan still hits me as well. I know someday though I'll be pregnant again, so I live with that hope. And in my circumstances, the miscarriage "was" a good thing. Another baby into single motherhood just wouldn't have worked out well for any of us, esp baby Rowan.

And my gosh - who doesn't like Grey's?! It's great!

[Erin]

Hey Kim -- I hope you're doing okay. I know what you mean about the delayed reaction. Sometimes I think women like us are 'strong' to carry everyone else through and then when we finally pause to take in everything, we catch the full emotional power.

I hope you're hanging in there.

[Erica]

Kim, I'm sorry. Infertility and miscarriage, the gifts that keep on giving, hmmm? Crap. I hope you work through this soon...

[Leggy]

Saw Erin's post linking to you. I'm sorry its still so hard. I'm finding that I'm very much in the same place- having delayed reactions to my miscarriage earlier this year, and to 9 years of infertility crap that I've been bottling up. I hope you find a way to work through it. Thinking of you.